What The History Books Can't Teach You
by sweetdixie.17
Summary: Never, NEVER, assume that your family is anywhere near normal. They could be the FBI, the Mafia, or worst of all they could be... dwarves. My name is Collie, and for the record, even though the company calls me lassie, I am NOT a dog. I had once thought my redneck cousins were crazy— but that was before I've met *this* side of the family.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: As promised, I have begun a Hobbit Fic. Review and tell me what you think of it so far! _Au revoir_! **

* * *

Things you should probably know... that will make more sense in the future:

1.) My name is Collie. And before you say it, I have already heard the 'isn't Collie that dog breed?' question. The answer to that would be yes. Why my parents named me that, I have no idea. They either have a twisted sense of humor or they were feeling creative on the night I was born.

2.) If you ever have the chance to watch the Hobbit, do so. It saves a lot of trouble if you ever end up in the situation I was dragged into. Key word being dragged— no way would I have ever volunteered for what happened.

3.) If future-Collie could write a note to present-Collie (A.K.A: ME!), I would write of three things: #1. Never, **_never_** , assume that your family is anywhere _**near**_ relatively _**normal**_. They could be the FBI, the Mafia, or worst of all they could be... _dwarves._ #2. When a wizard asks a question, think on it for a few minutes. If you answer wrong... then too bad so sad, because whatever happens in this story could happen to you. And #3. Never try to outsmart said wizard. He knows almost everything, which in this case was true _only_ because he was behind everything that happened to me.

4.) Random notes may pop up from the future-Collie. She likes to make an appearance in order to help readers remember certain things and for the plot to run more smoothly in certain cases.

5.) Always remember that no one is born a hero. Much like no one is born a leader, a fighter... or even a writer. I was none of these, and I still deny that I am, no matter what those pesky new relatives say.

6.) People make mistakes and sometimes, no matter how stupid or hurtful those mistakes are, we have to let them go. Forgiveness can be simple, but it's definitely not easy.

* * *

 **In a little town with a very big name...**

I was doing inventory— which is dull, mind-numbing, and takes an eternity to finish. And unfortunately, it was what I was currently working on during my Christmas break.

Nestled somewhere into the Cumberland Plateau of North Alabama, there was a little town where the only new buildings were small fast-food joints, and perhaps the odd house that was being built. But before those establishments, there was a place the locals called 'the square'.

It was old... far older than I was, anyway. But then again, I am a mere sixteen years old. The county courthouse sat in the middle of this odd part of town, and surrounding it were several brick buildings that had been constructed in the 1910's. They were once all that this town was, but now that the businesses had grown, the commercial companies who had once been housed there had built other places to room their blooming corporations.

Mom and Pop shops had replaced the larger stores, dividing the buildings into several different office spaces. Some of the original emporiums still remained though, and it just so happened that I was in one of them— counting how many pairs of work boots and jeans were on the shelves.

"I have a pair for $24.98.', I muttered, scribbling the number down on the inventory form. "But there's only one..." I almost called for the store manager, but remembering that it was against the rules to yell across the store, I quickly began my search for him instead.

"Jay? There's only one pair of the—"

"The Carhartt hunting gear?', Jay interrupted. "That style seemed to be quite popular this season."

"Well duh.', I said sarcastically underneath my breath, peeved at being cut off. "They were camouflage pants and it's the season for killing Bambi's cousins!"

"The rest are upstairs.', he continued, ignoring my irritable expression. "Speaking of which, would you mind restocking that shelf after your lunch break?"

I gulped, begrudgingly accepting the task with a watery smile. It will suffice to say that I was borderline _terrified_ of the upstairs warehouse. Remember what I said about the buildings being built in the 1910's? That is long enough ago that there have been rumors... legends even, of the upstairs being haunted. It's ridiculous, of course, but it doesn't help my paranoia.

Snatching my coat, I walked out the department store's door, fully expecting a cool blast of air to hit my face.

"Welcome to Alabama.', I grumbled as I realized the air was warm and muggy. "Where it's snowing one day and seventy-degrees the next."

"Good evening, Collie dear!"

I grinned quietly to myself before returning the greeting and walking towards one of the mom and pop shops that just so happened to be the family business. My mother did most of the work in the bakery, though she allowed her own mother to help— she said it gave Gram a sense of purpose.

"Hello, Gram-Gram!', I responded, using my elderly grandmother's pet-name. "How's business today?"

She quickly set the broom she had been using to sweep the bake shop's front stoop to the side, motioning me to come inside.

"It's been okay.', she replied softly, handing me a sandwich from the food showcase. "I sold all of the fried pies, so you'll have to make do with a cookie after you finish eating."

"You really don't have to do that, Gram.', I chuckled. "I'm going to start growing bigger if you keep feeding me all these goodies."

"Hm. Maybe I should feed you more... you are rather short for your age."

"I meant outwards.', I sniggered. "I'm quite done growing upwards."

"Oh, I don't know about that, Collie. You might grow another inch."

I shook my head while I laughed lightly.

"No, Gram. I think I'll be a dwarf for life."

Her eyes darkened for a moment at the word dwarf.

 _Whoops. I forgot about the talk mom gave me... That little 'chat' was worse than the birds and bees._

"Dwarfs.', she sniffed derisively. "That was what your grandfather called himself before he left me and your mum to fend for ourselves. Said he was off to find some god-forsaken land called Erebor— offered to take me with him, too. I turned him down flat and told him that if he ever wanted to come back I would welcome him, but I sure wasn't going to go traipsing off in search of a fictional realm."

I sighed inwardly as she retold the story of Gramp's 'faithlessness'. He had went crazy, according to Grandma, after he had read the Hobbit and heard the story of the dwarves' quest in the eighties. If I had been Grandma, I would have just followed him no matter how much sense he made. But apparently it was a touchy subject, so I left well enough alone.

For obvious reasons my brothers and I were not allowed to read or watch the Hobbit— which, of course, only made us want to defy the odd rule. I, rebellious teenager that I was, had managed to sneak peeks at the school library but I never could understand the story, so I skipped out on the entire thing. Didn't feel like I was missing much anyway.

My brothers made sure to fill me in, though. They had even went so far as to sneak out of the house to watch the movies. I say this in the most loving way possible: My brothers are nerds.

* * *

I passed the yellowed newspaper clippings that were fastened to the wall with sewing pins, of all things. They must have been there for ages: one of the dates read 1923.

"Breathe, Collie. It's nothing to be scared of... Jay said the pants were near the back... oh good Lord."

I held in a shaky breath as the floor underneath me (if this unsteadiness can be called that) creaked eerily as my footsteps passed over it. The stairs had been in decent condition, but the floor to the upstairs warehouse was definitely not in it's prime.

Empty metal clothes racks and the odd mannequin cast weird their weird shadows across the floor as I crept through the room. I tried not to wet myself as the shape of a mannequin in grey robes seemed to come out of nowhere.

"EEEKKK!', I yelped, back pedaling fast enough that I tripped and plopped onto my butt. "Jay really needs to move that creepy thing.', I complained as I rubbed my sore rear.

"I am not a thing. I am Gandalf. And Gandalf means... me."

"Jay robbed a wax museum!', I yelled jokingly down the stairs behind me. "He's got a talking Gandalf upstairs!" I peered nervously around the statue, fully expecting to see other characters from the Peter Jackson movies.

"You are a very strange figure."

"Just who are you calling stra— I'm talking to a statue. This place gets weirder and weirder.', I mumbled to myself as I turned around to go back downstairs. "The freaking statue is talking!"

"May I ask what you see when you look around?"

I quirked an eyebrow as I spun to face the statue. Jay has always had the tendency to play a few practical jokes on his employees— *cough*me*cough* —but this time he has gone a wee bit too far.

"Geez. You sure are realistic; I wonder how Jay set up the wiring... or maybe you're a cosplayer from that festival that's going on today..." I glanced up at the statue's face. "Are you real? Or are you just a statue?"

"I am quite real, child. Will you answer the question?"

"I don't know. Will you stop talking if I answer, Jay?"

"I am Gandalf."

"Oh-kayyy... I'm going to back away slowly now..."

I turned and bolted down the stairs, throwing the rules to the wind and yelling for Jay to get his butt in the break room and explain why there was a man in a costume upstairs.

* * *

"There is no one up there, Collie. I checked everywhere."

"Everywhere?', I inquired suspiciously, eyeing the usually cheery middle-aged man in front of me.

"Yes.', he sighed, giving me a baleful glance. "Maybe I should call a doctor." Jay reached for the phone.

"No. Really, I'm fine. It was probably just the lighting..."

"You said a statue _talked_ to you, Collie. I think that perhaps I should at least call your mom..."

"Look.', I began, crossing my arms as my feet found a defensive position. "You try living with six brothers and tell me you don't see *things* every once in a while. If there's nothing up there—', I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat, along with my anxiety. "—I'll go get the pants."

"Are you certain...?"

"Yes.', I huffed. "It was probably just momentary madness. Happens a lot with my family."

 **(Note from Future-Collie: Remember what I just said. Madness _does_ run in my family. ****It's important, in a weird sort of way.)**

Jay gave a humorless chuckle before waving me in the direction of the stairs. As I climbed the dreaded steps, my life flashed before my eyes. Not in the way of 'this is the last few minutes I'm on this earth' either. Instead, I was thinking of every single horror movie I have ever watched where the victim creeps up the stairs... to be murdered at the top.

I shivered slightly at the thought, rubbing my arms to chase away the goosebumps that had appeared as I arrived in the warehouse again.

"I am glad you have decided to make another appearance.', someone stated in a wry tone. "You frightened me for a moment when you ran down the stairs."

"AH!', I yelped loudly while yanking something out of my pocket and pointing it at the creepy dude who had randomly appeared again.

"Collie?', Jay yelled up the stairs. "Are you alright?"

"NO! HE'S BACK!"

"Who?"

" _HIM_! GET UP HERE!"

The store manager's bald head slowly appeared, followed by the rest of him.

"Who? The statue?"

"DUH!"

He shook his head. "There is no one there, Collie. It is your imagination playing tricks on you."

"But he is—"

"What's in your hand?', Jay asked suddenly, grabbing that appendage and studying the small bottle encased in my palm.

"Pepper spray.', I ground out, tears forming in my eyes that he didn't believe me. Jay suddenly laughed aloud, turning the container so I could read the label. It was _breath-spray._

"I will call your mom and ask her to pick you up." The manager quickly left me alone again, whistling lightly as he clomped heavily down the stairway in his steel-toed boots.

"Why can't he see you?', I sniffled. "Am I crazy?"

"No. He cannot see me because he was not meant to. You, however, were. I will ask you again, young Collie, what do you see in this room?"

"Rotten wood and cracked plaster.', I whispered, looking around at the old and decaying woodwork.

"I see a hundred years of history. And that, my dear, is why I am here. The difference between your view and mine is that I see the struggles and heartache of the people who came before you, while you only see something that needs to be thrown away and rebuilt. You need to learn of the _sacrifices_ of your ancestors, and perhaps you will learn some important lessons along the way." The man identified as 'Gandalf' watched me wearily for a moment, biting his upper lip slightly as he mused over something.

"Yes, I think it will be good for you.', he declared at last, his eyes gaining a sparkle as his mouth twitched. "And most amusing to me."

"What will?"

"An adventure."

 _Why the heck does this sound so familiar?_

"Nope! The number one rule in my house is that you do not ever follow a stranger. _Ever_.', I replied in a false sense of calmness, stressing the last word of my statement.

"I am hardly a stranger, my dear girl! I have known your grandfather Frerin since he was a dwarfling!"

"A WHAT!?', I spluttered, rubbing my throat as I choked on my own spit. "He was—"

"A dwarf.', Gandalf said gleefully. "Though how he ended up in the future I have no idea."

"A dwarf? Do you honestly expect me to believe that?"

"Indeed."

"And you also expect me to follow you to... wherever my grandfather came from?"

"Arda, though it is now apparently called Earth. A rather odd place it is now... though that should be expected, considering how it has been several millenniums since the Third Age."

"I'm not going back in time!" I stopped short for a moment, staring accusingly at Gandalf. "You're not... Dr. Who's brother are you?"

"I am many things, Collie, but that is not one of them. Now come, we must leave now if we are to meet with the company."

"Company?"

"Of dwarves, child!"

"I'm not going!', I snapped back before flouncing down the steps again.

"Do not open the door!', Gandalf called out gently.

I ignored his warning and flung the door open.

"What on earth?', I stammered as I tripped in surprise on the last step and fell into green grass.

"I believe you mean 'What on Middle Earth'."

 _Crap._


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Okay, so here is the basic run down on why I started this story. I have been asked to do a Hobbit fic, so I did, but when I began looking through the other hobbit stories to get a gist of things, I realized that almost all of them were pairings... and I was like 'What the Heck?' So, I decided to try something a bit different... Drop a review if you can! Hope everyone had a blessed New Year!**

 **Many thanks to...**

 **Guest186— (Thank you very much for such amazing encouragement!)**

 **The better twin— (I'm psychic?! Ha! Thank you for the awesome review!)**

* * *

"Middle Earth.', I groaned, tucking my head in-between my knees as I took several deep, calming breaths. "I'm in Middle-freaking-Earth! With a wizard of all things!"

"Yes, my dear, you are."

Birds twittered cheerily in the treetops as the late afternoon sunlight filtered through the green boughs. And I... well, I was curled at the bole of one these trees while Gandalf leaned patiently against his staff, waiting for me to end my pity party. A deep sob tore through my chest as he looked down at me sympathetically.

"So.', I sniffled. "You can't send me back?"

"Collie, the door could only be used twice— once when I came into your world, and twice when you opened it. It was created to disappear as it did. I tried to warn you, my dear."

"But why me?!', I wailed again, rubbing the salty teardrops from my face with the pad of my thumb. I didn't have to look in a mirror to know I looked like death warmed over— that fact was painfully obvious, not only to me, but to anyone else who could have seen me at that moment. My face was puffy and swollen from my blubbering, my eyes were most likely red, and I could feel the snot and tears tangled into my honey brown hair.

"Because you are the granddaughter of Frerin, and his kin are going on a quest to reclaim their homeland. You, Collie, will be going with them."

"Nope! I am not going on a quest with a bunch of—"

"Mister Gandalf? Is that you? We were afraid you would not make it in time!"

I popped my head up from its hiding place to blink hazily at a short man whose long gray hair had been plaited back in several places. He was short, and rather stout, but his most distinctive feature was the beard he sported. Behind him were several others who shared the same basic features, though each of them were uniquely their own. They were, in fact, dwarves.

"Ah, Dori! I am glad you have arrived safely. How was the journey?', Gandalf greeted jovially.

"It was alright, considering we only had a few near brushes with orc packs.', the dwarf replied honestly. "And how was yours, Mister Gandalf?"

"Fruitful, to say the least. I have found what I was searching for."

Gandalf chatted with Dori for a few more moments before giving a polite nod to those behind him and turning towards me, bending down to whisper in my ear, 'Do not speak of your grandfather until I have talked to the company." I nodded dumbly, accepting the hand up that he offered me.

"Who is this?', one of the others asked. He had dark brown eyes that twinkled back at my bright blue ones, and a funny looking hat was askew on top of his brown hair.

"Oh! This, Bofur, is Collie. She is my traveling companion at the moment."

"Nice to meet you, lassie."

 _Ugh! Not *that* joke again..._

He bowed overzealously, making me give a snort of laughter. Bofur seemed to be one of those charismatic personalities that could brighten your day within seconds, which he had obviously tried doing for me after catching a glimpse of my tear-streaked face.

Gandalf seemed to want to keep me close by his side, steering any conversations away from my odd appearance, even going so far as to keep the dwarves from coming too close to us as we walked to some unknown destination.

"Ah!', Gandalf declared as we reached the stoop of a funny looking door about ten minutes after the sun had set. "Here we are!" He gave a heavy knock on the green circle-like door with his tall walking staff, which was followed by a flurry of loud, angry complaints from inside. The dwarves all pressed close, eagerly awaiting the opening of the door.

"Stay close to me.', the wizard directed me in a low voice. "We will sort things out soon enough to satisfy you."

The door was flung open, and a very temperamental hobbit stepped quickly back in order to avoid the heap of dwarves that fell into his foyer. Gandalf ducked his head in order to see inside, while I stepped hesitantly out of the way.

"Gandalf.', the curly headed creature sighed exasperatedly, only to be interrupted by an exclamation of 'Get of ya big lump!', that came from the dwarf everyone called Glóin. A mad scramble ensued as the dwarves dusted themselves off and found the pantry, much to the hobbit's chagrin.

"Um... Gandalf?" I weaved through the dwarves as I followed the grey-robed figure through the hobbit hole and to the dining room.

"Yes, Collie?"

"What am I supposed to do?"

"You may relax for the moment, at least. Try not to draw too much attention to yourself, and if you happen to be asked where you are from you may say that you are from the south."

"Okay..."

* * *

"Better grab some food while it lasts, lass.', Bofur suggested casually, stuffing another sausage into his mouth. "We dwarves can eat more than you think, and ye don't want to be hungry later on."

Giving a small shrug, I reached across the table and snatched a few pieces of what looked to be fried chicken and a biscuit.

"Ho there! That doesn't seem like it will be enough to fill a growing lass's stomach! You need a bit more if you want to be satisfied for the night! Perhaps some of these... and a bit of that."

Bofur had snatched my plate away, piling it with food until I thought the china would crack underneath all of the weight that was placed on it. When he was satisfied with the amount he passed the dish back to me. I glowered at the large stack of meats, breads, and vegetables while wondering how the heck I was going to eat all of that. The individuals around me seemed to have little trouble with devouring outrageous amounts of grub, and even Gandalf dug in heartily.

My stomach clenched and turned at the complete chaos around me; my brothers' terrible manners would have done nothing for prepare me for a meal with dwarves. They were loud, messy, rude, smelly, and incredibly gassy... the list goes on. All in all, it reminded me of how football season with all of my brothers— basically meaning there was alcohol, hearty songs and cheers, and the ever-popular burping contest. But thankfully for me, with all of the raucous laughter and jokes that were thrown about, I had been mostly overlooked.

Someone lightly tugged on my hair, making me grimace and randomly try to swat the hands away without having to spin around.

"Do not muss up her hair, lads!', Bofur admonished whoever was standing behind me. "There are other ways to get a lass's attention! Simply talking to her would suffice!"

I pulled a face before turning in my chair to raise an annoyed eyebrow at the two dwarves who stood behind me. One was blonde with a braided mustache, and the other had dark brown hair, though he had no facial hair to speak of.

"Fili and Kili.', they stated with a deep bow, their voices low and rich, though still higher pitched than the other dwarves. "At your service."

"Um... Hi. I'm Collie... at your service?', I mumbled around a mouthful of mashed potatoes, awkwardly trying to speak without the food falling out of my chomper.

Things progressed quickly from that point, and Bofur soon found himself scooting over so that the two figures could seat themselves on either side of me. Several minutes later I sent a panicked grimace in Gandalf's direction; his lips twitched slightly when he saw my predicament, as if there was some grand joke that only he understood. I was tempted to stick my tongue out at the old geezer but, upon deciding that I would much rather have him on my side, I thought the better of it.

"Fili and Kili, I would not recommend doing that.', Gandalf warned, drawing the attention of some of the dwarves, who all glanced in my direction. My face burned with embarrassment as many of them elbowed each other in the ribs and sent knowing smirks to one another.

"Do what?', Fili asked innocently, sending a teasing wink in my direction. I crinkled my nose at him while I crossed my arms over my chest and huffed irritably. I can deal with rednecks, but dwarves... I am definitely out of my element.

"Flirt. It is quite rude, because as you can see, Collie is uncomfortable with your attentions.', the wizard explained, though we all knew that Fili knew exactly what he was doing.

"Aye.', Kili grinned. "She knows she could do better, anyway. Everyone knows I'm the better catch."

The company burst into another bout of laughter, while I sent both of them withering glares.

"There is another reason you should not flirt with Collie—" Gandalf's train of thought was impeded when Ori asked the hobbit what he should do with his plate.

"Here, Ori! Give it to me!" Fili grinned mischievously as he leapt from his seat and swaggered into the the foyer. The addressed dwarf handed over the glossed crockery, only to watch in amazement as it was sent sailing through the air. Suddenly all of the dwarves were swarming around like angry bees, catching, throwing, and passing dishes to one another while singing a ridiculous ditty about what 'Bilbo Baggins hates'. The poor halfling looked flustered as his mother's china was thrown with careless precision through his home until they were piled neatly in his kitchen sink.

"Are you done with that, lass?', Bofur asked curiously, motioning to my plate with the fork he held in his hand. I glanced down at the large quantity of items still on my plate, frowning as my stomach flipped again. The feeling that something wasn't right began to make my stomach churn, and upon realizing what was really wrong, I nodded and bolted from my chair.

* * *

I stumbled through the halls until I came back to the dining room.

"Ah! There you are, Collie!"

I cringed, backing away from the brothers while I waved my hand warningly, motioning for them to stay back. Fili and Kili looked confused for a moment, but that emotion was quickly replaced with worry.

"Are you alright?', one of them asked. I shook my head, covering my mouth as the nausea built up at that small gesture. Gandalf suddenly appeared behind me, laying a firm hand on my shoulder.

"Collie? Are you alright, child? You are looking rather pale..."

"I— I threw up.', I whispered miserably, leaning heavily against Gandalf's grey clad figure. My vision blurred slightly, while a steady throb seemed to pulse against my head.

"Ah. Must be a delayed reaction.', he mulled, chewing thoughtfully on the stem of a pipe he had produced from a hidden pocket.

"Delayed reaction? To what? Should I ask Oin to take a look at her?"

"Calm yourself, young Kili. She will be alright.', Gandalf tutted. "It is only a unpleasant symptom of— Oh! Never mind that! It will pass in a few moments."

A hefty rap sounded on the door behind me, making me give a small start of surprise. Gandalf chuckled, nudging me gently out of the way and directing me to find a quiet place to sit before opening the entryway.

* * *

"Do you think we should wake her?"

"Aye. She'll wake up with a sore neck if she continues to sleep like that. And we need the space for the meeting."

"I had thought perhaps we might have the gathering in the dining area, Thorin. There are plenty of seats."

I gave a small, mewling yawn as my eyes flickered open, and I began to stretch as the sleep cleared from my eyes. I had fallen asleep in a comfy armchair, a crocheted throw wrapped haphazardly around my shoulders as I dozed. Now, as the bleariness cleared from my sight, I noticed two dwarves eyeing me with confusion, one whose white beard made him look like a slightly shorter Santa Claus, and the other who held a slight resemblance to Kili and Fili.

"Thorin, am I seeing things or does she—', the first dwarf began incredulously.

"Durin blue.', the other whispered before he hurriedly schooled his surprised and saddened expression into a stern façade and stormed from the room.

"Durin blue.', the white bearded dwarf said underneath his breath, repeating the first dwarf's soft exclamation before he left the room to follow his companion.

' _What the heck does Durin blue mean?_ ', I thought silently.

I stayed curled in the chair for several more minutes before deciding I felt well enough to stand up and find Gandalf, who still owes me an explanation. The dwarves had decided on using the dining room table to hold their council, and I entered the foyer that connected the rooms in time to see Bilbo fall over into a deep stupor.

"What did ya'll do to our host? Spike his tea?', I deadpanned as the hobbit literally fell at my feet.

"It appears that Mr. Boggins is easily frightened.', Kili grinned. "Bofur found it necessary to speak of what a dragon is capable of."

"Necessary? Why the heck is that something that's necessary? Dragons don't exist."

"Actually Collie, there are such things as dragons... In fact that is part of the reason you are here.', Gandalf said with a grim smile that I didn't like the looks of.

"I am NOT Saint George or Lancelot or— or any other kind of person who can kill a dragon!', I spluttered in surprise.

"And I do not expect you to do so!', Gandalf rumbled with laughter evident in his gravely voice.

"Gandalf? I thought you said this meeting was to be held in secrecy. Who is this... girl?', the dwarf at the head of the table asked while looking me over with a frown.

"I meant to discuss that with you.', Gandalf began, a weary look entering his eyes.

"Obviously you did not.', came the curt reply.

"Thorin, this is Collie, the granddaughter of Frerin, your—"

"Brother.', Throin breathed out, finishing Gandalf's thought.


	3. Chapter 3

There are apparently several things you will only see once, whether you are in Middle Earth or elsewhere. And as I later found out, seeing an entire table of dwarves do a spit-take is a rare sight.

Whenever they were finally done spitting out their ales, Gandalf gave Thorin a wry smile before turning to Fili and Kili.

"And that, my dear dwarves, is the other reason why you should not flirt with Collie.', he said cheekily, grinning as they seemed to squirm uncomfortably.

"I'm confused.', I muttered, glancing cluelessly between the two brothers, who both looked to be at a loss for words.

"Uh—', Fili cringed, fidgeting nervously with his mustache as his cheeks became red with embarrassment.

"Spit it out lad!', Bofur chuckled, looking like he was enjoying their discomfort entirely too much. "You'll only make it worse if you wait any longer!"

 **(Future Collie: At this point, I really should have figured out what everyone was getting at. But I'm not exactly the smartest knife in the... place they keep the knives? Oh well. This is the part where things started to get a little crazy.)**

"Collie, I would like you to meet your great-uncle, Thorin Oakenshield. And these are your second-cousins, Fili and Kili.', Gandalf finished with a nod in their direction. I balked, my mouth gaping as I stared at them.

"No freakin' way! You flirted with me!', I accused, making them both jump guiltily.

"We didn't know!', Kili grimaced.

"Aye. But you should have.', Balin laughed, sending a wink in my direction. "Her eyes alone would be proof enough."

"Of course. They're Durin blue.', acknowledged Fili with a sheepish smile. "I can see a resemblance now."

 _Oh. They were talking about my eye color earlier..._

"She has your grandfather's nose.', Balin casually mentioned to Fili and Kili. I self-consciously touched that part of my face; it had always seemed slightly bigger than other people's noses.

"No need to be ashamed of it, lass.', the snow-bearded dwarf added when he caught sight of the movement. "Thrain's nose was always considered one of his most handsome features— complemented his beard."

"Which she unfortunately does not have.', Kili observed with dry humor, making those at the table guffaw loudly.

"Oh sure. Like you're one to talk.', I mumbled, pulling a face at the thought of having even half of the hair these people had on their faces.

"Hey!', he howled. "Take it back!"

"Kili.', his brother said warningly before leaning towards me. "He's a bit self-conscious about his lack of, um, _hairiness_."

I watched Kili for a moment, who was currently scowling darkly in my direction.

"Really?', I whispered back. "I think he looks cute without a beard... The scruffy goatee suits him."

A low growl made me hastily scoot away from Kili, who had apparently been eavesdropping on our murmured conversation.

"Tell me, Gandalf.', Thorin began, giving me another good once over. "How did you come upon my brother's kin? We had no knowledge that he was married before he died in the Battle of Azanulbizar."

 _Whoa! Gramps **died**? Isn't that a piece of critical information? How the heck did he end up in Alabama if he was dead? _

"That would be a tale for another day, I'm afraid.', said the wizard, skirting around the query. "I believe our burglar is in need of some assistance."

"We will leave you to it then.', the dwarf— and my uncle, apparently —answered cooly, looking rather peeved that he received no answer from Gandalf. "We will continue in the parlor."

 _"Parlor? What is a parlor?_ ', I wondered as I followed the dwarves for no reason at all except out of curiosity. As they entered a mid-sized room that contained a simple couch and several armchairs I did a double take. " _Oh. They meant the living room... who on earth would say parlor?_ "

"Where are you from?"

"Huh?"

"Where do you make your home, lass?', Bofur repeated patiently.

"South... I think. I kinda got lost when Gandalf brought me here."

"Ah, wizards; always meddling, they are."

"I do not meddle, Bofur! I simply give people a small push out the door!"

"Ain't that the truth.', I snorted as the gray-robed figure appeared through the doorway.

"Your case was slightly different, Collie.', Gandalf said matter-of-factly. "In your instance it was you who opened the door."

"And I'll be darned if I ever open that door again.', I harrumphed underneath my breath. "Once was enough; I don't know how the Pevensies didn't need therapy after Narnia."

* * *

"Gandalf. Outside, now."

"I am not someone you can merely order about.', the wizard huffed, though he followed the leader of the company nonetheless. "What is it this time, Thorin?"

"I wish to know why you have brought this girl—"

"Collie.', the Istari corrected.

Thorin shot the taller-being a stony glare.

"As I was saying, I wish to know why she is here."

"To join your quest, of course. I thought that much was obvious!"

"Surely you are familiar with the dwarvish customs regarding our womenfolk.', the dwarf argued.

"Well, your people are a rather secretive race..."

"Do not test my patience.', growled Thorin. "You know as well as I that our womenfolk are protected; seldom do we allow them to venture into dangerous territory, which is where most of this quest will take place."

"Collie is not used to being coddled as most females are, Thorin. She is much different, which you shall surely see. She is quite independent, to be sure."

"I do not agree with this notion of yours, Gandalf. My great-niece should be in a place of safety— not gallivanting off to whatever Valar forsaken lands we must travel through. Frerin would not be appreciative of me sending off his granddaughter into danger."

"And yet he is not here! Thorin, she did not have any knowledge of this part of her family; indeed, I do not think she had any association with her grandfather."

"So you brought her along for the sole purpose of meeting her kin?"

"Yes, among other things.', the wizard replied evasively as he was often prone to do.

"I will think on it.', Thorin said, hesitating over the idea which did not sit well with him at all.

Gandalf gave an noncommittal hum as he filled his pipe, offering some of the leaf to his ill-tempered companion, who grudgingly accepted it.

"Where did you find her, if I may ask?', the exiled king pressed, anxious for any news of the brother who had long been thought dead.

"Will you keep the matter quiet if I see reason to share it?"

"Of course', he replied with a hint of surprise tinging his voice. "I swear it."

"Good." Gandalf took a deep breath from his pipe, debating on which way was best to break the news. "Collie is from the future."

The response he received should have been expected, he later thought, as Thorin began to gasp in surprise, the smoke he had inhaled choking him. The wizard gave him a good slap on the back, waiting patiently for the dwarf to stop his spluttering and regain his breath.

"Future?"

"Yes. I am unsure of the circumstances that took place, but it seems as though your brother ended up several thousands of years into the future. He married, obviously, though what happened after that is uncertain. It took quite a while for me to locate his descendants, though I found no sign of your brother."

"Collie is of mankind.', Thorin mulled in an uncharacteristically serene voice. He did not seemed peeved by the fact, at least, not as far as Gandalf could see.

"Only three-quarters, really. Her mother is the one with the most dwarvish blood, though Collie undoubtedly holds the most dwarvish qualities out of her family."

"And how many children did Frerin have?"

"One, as far as I know. He has several grandchildren though. Six boys, and of course Collie, who is their sister."

"Mahal's hammer! Did you not think that perhaps one of the girl's brothers would be better suited to travel with us?', Thorin accused, aghast that the wizard had decided on a girl when there had been several males he could have picked from.

"The thought crossed my mind. But, in the end, I thought it best to bring Collie. She needed to learn of her history."

"And that is not something Frerin could have achieved?', he retorted, raising a heavy black brow at the wizard who sat on the bench beside him. It was a rather funny sight, if one thought of it. Gandalf's legs were far to long for him to sit comfortably on the seat, meaning that his legs were crushed underneath the wooden structure at an extremely odd angle.

"Perhaps, had he been involved in her life."

"Are you saying my brother died?""No, Thorin, I do not think he is quite dead yet."

"Then what are you saying? That he abandoned his family?" Thrain's son felt his temper growing stretched to the point of snapping as he processed the wizard's insinuations.

"I do not know the circumstances as I am not all-knowing you stubborn, patience trying, dwarf!"

"Patience trying?', he sniffed haughtily in response. "I am only patience trying when it comes to wizards who give vague answers!"

"No, you are patience trying at all times, though I believe for the sake of the quest we should refrain from arguing any longer."

"Agreed.', mumbled Thorin. "I will speak with the company of this matter you have suggested. Be forewarned that I may simply leave her in one of the many small establishments Dain established recently. At least there she would be safe."

"I suppose that is all I can ask for at the moment.', Gandalf said. "Though I believe you should know that Collie cannot return to her home until a certain time has passed and my energy has replenished. It took a powerful spell to transport her here, and I do not have enough power to send her back at the moment."

Thorin sighed; it almost felt as if Gandalf was forcing this choice on him. He did not resent the girl for this issue though— he had a gut feeling that she had been dragged unknowingly into this somehow. She was actually quite likable, though she certainly had at least a small portion of her grandfather's legendary temper.

"She can come.', Thorin managed to grind out, knowing that however disinclined he was towards the idea Gandalf was sure to press it until he got his way. "Though I believe we should speak with the company about her being of the future. The information would not go further than our group.', he added hastily, watching for a negative reaction.

"I believe that may be wise. They might be slightly more understanding of her dilemma."

"A dilemma you no doubt caused.', Thorin muttered to himself, heedless of the danger of upsetting one of the Istari.

* * *

"Thorin has agreed to let you travel with them."

"Aw dang.', I grouched, crinkling my nose at the idea of traveling for goodness knows how long with a bunch of smelly dwarves. Not to mention Fili and Kili, who have managed to become as obnoxious as my six brothers combined in the past ten minutes. Suffice it to say that I really, **_really_** do not like wizards at the moment.

Gandalf had rejoined the dwarves in the sitting room, which seems to be yet another synonym for parlor/living room. I stared after him for a long moment, a frown marring my features.

This was **_not_** cool.

* * *

 **Many thanks to...**

 **Guest186 , Guest, Dreaming Star Traveler, Eragon, IfYouRememberMe, grace-adalyn, Me And Not You 1001, LoverxofxNight, and Teensouleater25. You guys rock!**


	4. Chapter 4

"So you are Collie..."

I jumped, falling out of my dreamy state to eye the dwarf that had come up behind me. I had found a small area in the hobbit hole that was unoccupied by smelly males, and I had made good use of it, though I had been interrupted after an hour or so of deep thought.

"Um, hi... Thorin?', I tried nervously, though my harried greeting only garnered me an unimpressed look. "Uh... Lord Oaken...thingy? Sir? Mister?', I rattled off, trying to find the right title.

"I believe 'Uncle' would do. It is definitely much simpler than calling me Lord Oakenthingy. "

My eyes widened slightly, only to narrow suspiciously as I thought I saw his lip twitch.

 _Is he laughing at me? He is **totally**_ _laughing at me!_

"Gandalf tells me he wishes you to journey with us.', he continued, his expression veiled as he watched me process his statement. "He also tells me that you had no knowledge of your _dwarven_ heritage."

 _Emphasis on a word can only mean two things... sarcasm or great importance._

"Knowing and believing are two totally different things.', I shrugged. "I was always told that my grandfather thought himself a dwarf... but I didn't believe he really was. Not until I came here, anyway."

"So the wizard spoke the truth of Frerin? You have never met him?"

"Nope. I heard of him, though." _And it certainly wasn't anything good._

There was an awkward pause in the conversation where neither of us knew what to say, yet neither of us felt obligated to break the silence. Thorin finally turned away and exited the small room, calling over his shoulder that we were to leave at dawn.

"And speak with Balin in the morning!', he barked as his footsteps grew softer. "He will help you pack for the journey."

 _Oooo! This is not gonna be good._

* * *

Dawn... Ha. Ha. That was a joke, right? Nope. Big, fat, negative, _**NOPE**_!

Thorin had been dead serious last night, and I soon found out what it is like to be woken up by Fili and Kili. Not fun, in case anyone was curious. Upon having our little 'chat' last night, he had spoken with the company about my appearance and where I was from, among other things. I think it is probably safe to guess that the dwarves were not happy with idea of me going with them— I am currently receiving the stink eye from several of the bearded wackos. I don't see why they blame me though: it's not like I _asked_ for this to happen. I would much rather be in my warm bed, thank you very much.

After eating a small breakfast at a place called the Green Dragon, Balin, who turned out to be the dwarf with the snowy white beard, was appointed to 'prepare me' for the quest while the others retrieved the ponies from where they had been stabled nearby. We had picked up a few things already, though there were still several things left to buy.

"Can you fight, lassie?"

Poor Balin probably thought I was an owl, judging from the fact that I just blinked stupidly at him for the fifth time in the past hour.

"That's a no then.', he said, giving a long-suffering huff. "A knife it is."

"A knife?', I squeaked, finally finding my voice. "What for?"

"In case you need to—', the snowy bearded man paused for a moment. "—stab something.', he finished lamely.

I grimaced— by Balin's hesitancy, I realize that this 'something' was most likely to be a 'someone'. How the heck was I supposed to pull that off when I can barely stick the straw into a Caprisun pouch?

"I suppose we will also need to find you a sturdy satchel, a bedroll... and perhaps a waterskin..." His voice faded out as I suddenly realized a major issue.

"Balin.', I whispered.

He continued listing several items, and I had the distinct feeling that he was no longer talking to me.

"And of course some thicker clothes..."

"Balin!', I tried again, a little louder this time. "What am I supposed to do about the... the feminine stuff?"

The dwarf stumbled slightly as he heard me.

"Oh.', he muttered underneath his breath. "That _is_ a problem."

His face remained stoic, while I, on the other hand, was so flushed that I probably looked like I was going to become combustable at any given moment.

"I suppose we will talk to that hobbit lass we saw at the inn this morning... she will be able to find something, I am sure.', he mulled, brushing over the matter with ease.

"You— you won't tell Fili and Kili about this? Or anyone else for that matter?', I pleaded, shifting my feet in embarrassment. "They're already giving me enough grief as it is.

"Of course not!', he chuckled. "It is a natural part of womanhood that—"

"I get it!', I yelped, covering my burning cheeks. "My mom made things clear enough without you telling me about it!"

This time he actually did blush.

"Mahal above!', Balin exclaimed, looking horrified at the very idea. "I was not going to _explain_ it to ya! I only wished to set your mind at ease!"

"I think my mind would be 'at ease' a whole lot more if we could forget I said anything.', I groaned.

He gave me a sympathetic pat on the shoulder before continuing to walk, his brisk pace making me jog a bit to keep up.

When Balin had purchased everything he thought necessary for the trip, he swiftly foisted it off to me as soon as it was neatly packed away into the large satchel he had managed to nose out from the many wares that had been on display in the markets.

"We were quite lucky to be leaving on the day most hobbits do their trading. We have been strangely fortunate in our findings, lass."

Giving an absent minded nod, I followed the dwarf to the designated area where we were to meet the others.

* * *

"Are you having trouble, cousin?', Fili asked with a grin, watching as I heroically tried to climb the pony... only to heroically fall on my butt for the thousandth time.

A low growl rumbled out my throat.

"You could ask for help you know..."

"Over my dead body.', I harrumphed as I scrambled to my feet.

"You don't climb a pony like it's a haystack, Collie. Put your foot in the stirrup... HA!"

Fili's instruction was cut off by his loud guffaw. Thorin had apparently gotten tired of watching me struggle and, walking up behind me, he lifted me into the saddle.

"You can open your eyes now.', I heard Kili say from somewhere on the ground. I slowly popped one eye open, the other quickly following.

"You squeal like a girl.', he declared with a toothy grin.

"Oh, I must sound like you then?', I shot back. Opening his mouth, Kili made to retort, but his— I mean our— uncle sent him a warning glance.

"Fili!', Thorin called. "Would you mind leading Collie's pony?"

"This is the craziest thing I've ever done.', I grumbled to myself. "I am traveling with a large group of strange men, no _dwarves_ , that I had not even met twenty-four hours ago!"

"Look at it this way Collie. We can't be so strange, seeing as how we're family. In fact, you are related to everyone in this group except Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur." Fili comforted in a roundabout way, obviously hearing the conversation I had been having with myself.

 _It's like their parents picked their names out of a twisted Dr. Seuss book... I mean, come on! Do you really have to make every single name in the family rhyme? And contrary to Fili's belief, family can be the strangest people you will ever meet._

"Have you not ridden a horse before?', Kili asked curiously, mounting his own steed and nudging it into motion.

"Um... maybe once. I was six, I think."

"I suppose that was a good many decades ago, hm?"

"How old do you think I am?!', I laughed, though by their faces they were not amused. "Oh gosh. You guys were serious."

"Of course we were!', Fili burst out. "I say that you cannot possibly be older than seventy!"

"But you are most definitely older than sixty!', Kili added.

Stunned, I simply stared at them for a moment, the wheels in my head turning as I tried to grasp what they were saying.

"You think I'm sixty?', I finally managed. They nodded, making me feel slightly dizzy. "If I'm sixty in your eyes.. then how old are you?"

"I am eighty-two and Kili is seventy-seven."

"How—?', I stuttered, looking between them to make sure they were not simply pulling my leg.

"How old are you, then?', Fili pressed.

"Sixteen.', I whispered hoarsely.

"What?!"

"SIXTEEN!"

Those who rode ahead of us suddenly pulled their reins short, turning in their saddles to gaze at me wide-eyed.

 _Yikes. Gandalf looks like he is about to have a cow._

Thankfully for me, the tense moment was interrupted by the fuzzy-footed creature named Bilbo Baggins, who had changed his mind about coming on an adventure. I am starting to like that hobbit— even if he will probably make me look even less useful than I already am.

* * *

 **Many thanks to...**

 **Roazhonad** **,** **The better twin** **,** **lullabydono** **,** **IfYouRememberMe** **,** **1 fan of pj . hp . lotrh . con . ra** **,** **Me And Not You 1001**


	5. Chapter 5

**Mant thanks to...**

 **LoverxofNight , lullabydono, Me And Not You 1001, 1 fan of hp . pj . lotrh . con . ra, The better twin, Rosmund chadwick, Guest186**

* * *

"Is it true that you are from the future?"

I had spent the past few hours chatting with Fili and Kili, who, if you can get past the horrendous amount of teasing, really aren't that bad. I believe that they would have given Bilbo a hard time about his missing handkerchiefs had I not been there: apparently teasing a girl is far more fun than teasing an oblivious hobbit.

"Uh..." I glanced sharply at Gandalf, who gave an almost imperceptible nod from where he rode a large white horse in front of me. "Yes...?"

"Incredible!', beamed Kili. "What is it like? Living in the future, I mean."

"Well, for one, I never rode ponies or horses." I grinned at the shocked faces of Fili, Kili, and a dwarf they called Ori, who had chosen to ride beside us.

"Then how did you travel long distances? Or did you even travel at all?', Fili asked curiously.

"Normally I traveled by car— a metal machine that runs on a type of fuel called gasoline."

"What is gasoline?"

"Something that comes from underground?', I shrugged. "I think it's a petroleum... you don't know what that is either, do you?"

As I continued to explain the basics of how a car worked Ori had pulled out a leather bound journal and was scribbling odd runes onto the parchment.

"What did you do for fun?', Kili jabbered, his eyes lighting up with excitement.

"I'm on the local softball team." When they showed no sign of recognition I sighed. Was I going to have to give detailed explanations for everything? "I also like to go kayaking with my brothers on weekends—"

"You have brothers!?', Kili cut in, a wide grin splitting his face.

"Six of them.', I groaned. "And they're all older than me!"

"That cannot be so bad!', laughed Fili as he turned around in the saddle to give me a teasing smirk.

"It is when they're all older than me!', I argued. "I'm the 'baby' of the family. It seems like they are always hovering!"

"I know how that feels.', I heard ginger haired Ori mutter underneath his breath, shooting a weary glance at a dwarf who rode ahead.

"It is only natural for older brothers to be protective of their 'baby' siblings, Ori.', Fili sniggered, leaning sideways so he could poke Kili in the ribs.

"Perhaps, but Dori takes it way too far.', the addressed dwarf groaned. "The last time he fussed for an hour over a paper cut. A PAPER CUT!"

"Dori must be a special case.', Fili comforted him before directing the conversation back towards me. "I think that maybe your brothers got their protectiveness from the dwarven side of the family. We dwarves are quite protective of our womenfolk."

"Aye.', Kili nodded. "Which is why many of those in the company do not wish you to travel with us— they believe you should be somewhere safe. More than one dwarf was shocked when Thorin agreed to allow you to come along, even myself."

"That makes sense. But my brothers go above and beyond 'protecting'. I swear that they purposefully chase off every boy who comes near me!', I complained.

"I suppose that that job is now ours, as you are here and they are not.', Fili teased.

"Don't you dare!', I protested. "I do not want to be the creepy old lady with a million cats because y'all scared off any possible boyfriends!"

But my cousins only laughed at my words.

"Speaking of brothers, what are they're names?', Kili inquired.

"There's Dan, Colby, Matt, Kent, Austin, and Levi." I ticked off their names using my fingers. "The first four are married with several kids between them, Austin is engaged and graduating college, and Levi is still in highschool."

Thankfully, I was saved from explaining what a 'college' and 'highschool' were by Ori's next question.

"Their names don't rhyme?', he gaped. "Normally dwarf brothers have rhyming names!"

I almost laughed when I thought of my beanpoles for brothers being called 'dwarves' when they're all over six-feet tall!

"But can you imagine having to name six boys?', I pointed out. "Let alone making those names rhyme!"

"I suppose .', Ori murmured thoughtfully before he clucked gently to his pony, making the animal trot forward a good ways ahead.

"Hey!', Kili suddenly exclaimed, a twinkle entering his dark brown eyes. "Your name _does_ rhyme with _our_ names, though!"

Not liking the look that had come over his face, I narrowed my eyes at him and wiggled uncomfortably in the saddle.

"Fil _i_ , Kil _i_ , and Coll _ie_.', he tried, seeing how the words rolled off of his tongue.

"Ah!', Fili smiled. "Since I am Fee on certain occasions, and Kili is Kee... you should have a pet name too!"

"How about Lee?', Kili offered innocently.

"No!', I was quick to disagree. "Lee is not right for me! Sounds too... masculine in my opinion."

"Well we cannot have Kee and Cee... the names are too close.', Fili mused, twirling his braided mustache in-between his fingers thoughtfully. "Ah-ha!', he cried, snapping his fingers together. "How about CeeCee?"

"That would be a double _heck no_!', I yelped.

"Well what do your brothers call you?"

"Squirt.', I blurted before I could think about it. They're faces bloomed into devious grins and I groaned. "But only they can call me that!"

"Sure, sure.', Kili sniggered.

"Do your brothers own any weapons?', said Fili.

"Some." I suddenly wondered if they had such things as gunpowder here... most likely not.

"What is their weapon of choice?"

"I think they prefer .22's, most of the time.', I said thoughtfully, forgetting that they probably had no idea what I was talking about. Heck, most people didn't even know what a .22 was until you tacked the word 'gun' or 'rifle' to it— unless you lived down south with the rednecks like I did: everyone knows what it is then.

"How does one fight with a number?', Kili questioned, pursing his lips as he tried to figure it out on his own.

"Oh lord.', I huffed. "I'm gonna have to explain everything I say to you, aren't I?"

* * *

"So have you ever used these guns to hunt?"

I had finally finished explaining exactly what a modern firearm was when Kili began asking questions again.

"Uh... yes.', I finally answered.

"What was your first time like?"

I cringed: why does everyone always ask me that?!

"Well.', I began, scratching my head as I tried to find a way to explain this without making myself look like an idiot. "My oldest brother took me out for the first time whenever I was fourteen. It didn't... go well.', I finished lamely, pulling a face at that particular memory.

I had gotten so bored after sitting in the shooting-house — for hours without anything appearing— that I wouldn't shut-up. Dan had finally taken off by himself, leaving me alone for several hours. By the time it was dark, every noise in the woods had been amplified and I was shaking, thinking that a panther was going to come out and eat me. In the end, it was Dan who had jumped out from behind a tree and scared the living daylights out of me: not the smartest thing to do when an Alabama chic has a shotgun, as he soon found out. I gave a wry chuckle— he had quite literally dodged a bullet with nothing but a hole in his toboggan to show for his effort not to die by a fear-crazed teenager. But then again, he was probably safe as long as I was actually aiming at him.

By the time I had finished my story, the sun had set and Thorin had called for us to set up camp.

"Collie!', Thorin called.

 _Is he always this grumpy? Or did I do something wrong... again?_

"Help Bifur gather fuel for the fire!"

I hummed in acknowledgement, politely asking the first dwarf I came across where I could find Bifur.

"He's over there, lass.', Glóin replied, nodding in the direction of a rather wild looking dwarf.

"Him?', I whispered incredulously, eyeing the half-crazed looking dwarf whose fogged over eyes simply blinked at me.

"Aye.', Bofur said as he suddenly appeared. "That be my cousin Bifur."

"Is that an axe? In his head?', I managed to whisper faintly.

"Oh that little souvenir? It's nothing to be worried about!', Bofur said, brushing it off as if there wasn't a piece of sharp metal imbedded in the dwarf's head. "But you might have a wee bit o' trouble understanding him; he can't speak the common tongue anymore— brain damage, you know."

"An axe... in his head."

"It doesn't bother you, does it, lass?', the dwarf with the odd hat asked nervously. "It scares some people."

"Bother me? I think it's cool!', I grinned. "A little odd maybe... but my brother Matt has a BB in his knee, and that's even worse because he sticks a magnet to his skin..." I shuddered. Matt had always been the brother who made my skin crawl with all of his crazy stunts, and let's just say that firing a metal object at another metal object (Well, duh! It was obviously going to ricochet!) was not his brightest moment.

Completing the simple task given to me, I headed back to camp with an armload of firewood, dumping the sticks near Glóin, who seemed to be quite handy with a tinderbox.

"Here you go!', Fili declared, plopping down into the grass beside me after he had handed me a bowl of soup. "How was your first day of traveling, cousin?', he grinned.

"Uncomfortable.', I griped, rubbing my sore thighs.

"Oh, you'll get used to it soon! Eventually you will be able to ride a pony like an expert!"

"Won't that be the day.', I snorted into my soup.

* * *

Because there wasn't a bathroom or privacy to change into pajamas, the time for my nighttime routine had been cut drastically. But that does not mean I abandoned all hygiene! Far be it from me, Collie Mae Baker, to not be the cleanest person in a group full of sweaty, stinky dwarves!

"Do you guys brush your teeth here?', I wondered aloud.

"Why on earth would we brush our teeth?"

"To clean them! Duh!', I frowned at Kili's question.

"I was jesting Collie!', he chuckled, though I was not the least bit amused. "Of course we clean our teeth!"

"But how?', I pressed.

"A stick.', he said simply.

"A STICK?!', I gawked. "How does a stick clean your teeth?"

"You chew it."

I blinked for a moment before I recalled reading about how Native Americans used to have 'chewing sticks' to clean their teeth. So I followed everyone else's example and chewed a stick, making it fray at the ends to create a substitute toothbrush. It tasted horrible, was obviously hard to chew, and made my gums prickle from the fibers, but hey, it got the job done. And that my friends, it the redneck's motto in Alabama: IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT MATERIALS, FIND SOMETHING ELSE AND **MAKE IT WORK!**

Happy with my clean mouth, I unrolled my bedroll and curled up. I'm not sure how much sleep I got that night, but I vaguely recall waking up to see Fili and Kili asleep on either side of me. Which might have been sweet, had they not both been snoring like saw mills.

* * *

"Is she ever going to wake up?', someone asked.

"No I'm dead.', I snipped sarcastically, rolling over onto my back with a low grumble of discomfort. I was all for sleeping in the 'Great Outdoors', but normally I liked to have a tent and an air mattress. Having no such comfort, I ended up with a few twigs in my back and neck— not to mention in my hair! A bedroll simply keeps you warm and separates you from the dirt underneath your body; it does nothing for the pebbles and odd lumps that I slept on. Not to complain or anything **(Future Collie: Code word for 'I am totally going to complain!')** , but if sleeping on the hard ground wasn't enough to cause me sleep restlessly, then the itching and burning of my poor legs definitely were!

I have never ridden an animal for such an extended amount of time, meaning that my tushie and legs were red and irritated by the time we stopped to rest last night. And for the record, sleeping on it didn't help at all!

With another groan, I slowly heaved myself up, rubbing the sleep out of my bleary eyes.

"What time is it?', I mumbled.

"Far past the time you should have gotten up.', I heard Thorin say grumpily.

"Don't mind him!', Fili chirped, looking far too chipper for his own good. "Uncle is always a troll in the morning!"

Said 'uncle' shot us a stony glare, making me flinch slightly.

Camp was hurriedly broken up as the ponies were saddled and readied. Grudgingly admitting that I needed help mounting my pony again, I was quickly seated upon the animal I had dubbed 'Itchy' (for obvious reasons, of course), and we set off for another day of adventure.

Did I say adventure? Ha! Slight miscommunication on my part. What I meant to say is that we set out for another long day of bug bites, itchiness, sore butts, and a dreary company. Why dreary? Because, dear reader, it is raining. And do you know what the only thing worse than rain is at the moment? Dori.

Dori, the dwarf who is not a forgetful blue fish, might as well have been Eeyore from The Wonderful Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. Again, you may ask, what the heck does that have to do with a dreary company? Suffice it to say that Dori, the dwarf who is not a fish, is an absolute crank when it comes to being wet. I leave you to draw your own conclusions.


	6. Chapter 6

"Is he a great wizard, or is he more like... you?', the hobbit asked Gandalf regarding the wizard's cousin Radagast.

"Tactless.', I muttered as I shamelessly eavesdropped on the conversation. "Hobbits are absolutely tactless."

Bilbo sent me a wry look, looking like a drowned rat with the way his hair had slicked down his forehead in the cold rain.

Ignoring his annoyed glare, I shivered, rubbing my arms to ward off the chill that was slowly seeping through the warm clothes Balin had insisted on purchasing. Without so much as a word, Fili gave me a knowing look and shrugged out of his oilskin cloak, handing it to me with a small grin.

"But you'll get cold!', I protested, pushing the covering back towards him.

"Aye, but it will take me much longer to become chilled. Dwarves are hardy folk, squirt.', he winked, gently shoving the article into my arms.

It was not the first time Fili or Kili had called me that dreaded nickname; though since he had pressed me into accepting the extra warmth, I grudgingly let it slip.

Dori had continued to shout a few rather colorful curses at the torrents of precipitation until Thorin turned in the saddle to glare coldly at him, tilting his head in my direction as a warning. After that the gray-bearned dwarf cursed in his own language, thank whatever gods exist here. My mother would **_not_** be happy if I added any of _*those*_ words to my vocabulary.

"What is this place called?', I inquired curiously as I nervously eyed the forest around me.

"It is the Old Forest, my dear.', Gandalf called from up ahead. "On the borders of Buckland."

I noticed Bilbo fidgeting at the mention of the forest. Gandalf took note of the nervous movement, his eyes gaining a familiar twinkle.

"No need to worry, Master Baggins! We shall not stray from the path while I am leading you!"

"Bilbo?', I whispered. "What is he talking about?"

He mumbled something in response, making me lean forward in order to catch what he said.

"Did— did you just say the trees move?!"

The curly-headed hobbit flushed uncomfortably as he ducked his head, staring at Myrtle's mane.

"Do trees actually move?!', I squeaked.

"It is only a tale, lass.', Balin chuckled.

"I'm afraid you are partially mistaken, Balin.', said Gandalf. "Though it is not the trees who move— it is the tree spirits... the Huorns. Be on your guard; many of them have become black hearted and withered with anger."

"How comforting.', Ori's other brother, Nori, sniffed disdainfully. "I do hope you are not trying to frighten us, Gandalf. I do not believe these 'Huorns' are—"

A branch suddenly seemed to appear out of nowhere, slapping the sardonic dwarf across the forehead.

"That was simply a coincidence!', he protested, though the shrillness in his voice made one think that he was trying to convince himself and not the company.

"Of course!', I moaned. "There's wizards, dwarves, and dragons here, so why shouldn't there be trees that move on their own?"

"Do you not have these things in the future?', Kili gawked. "Not even dwarves?!"

"I'm not even sure I _am_ from the future anymore, Kili!', I huffed. "Everything here is completely different! Even the stars are different!"

* * *

"The stars are different...?', Thorin addressed Gandalf quietly that night as the company settled down for the night. The rain had finally ceased several hours earlier, causing many of the dwarves to thank their lucky stars that they would sleep on the slightly moist ground instead of in a lake of rainwater.

"Hm.', Gandalf hummed, continuing to stare at the campfire as it danced and leapt about.

"That was what Collie said, was it not?"

Gandalf raised an eyebrow as he lit his pipe, remaining silent while Thorin gave him a hard stare.

"What did she mean? Gandalf?"

The wizard finally gave in with a sigh.

"She was right.', murmured Gandalf. "The stars are unfamiliar to her."

"But why? The stars have always been the same... why would they change in the future?', the exiled dwarf king pressed.

"Because she is not from the future!"

"I thought you said—"

"I did!', snapped Gandalf. "But it appears I was mistaken!"

"But you are a wizard!', Thorin muttered.

"And wizards can make mistakes just as any other being can!"

Thorin narrowed his eyes irritably.

"Very well then.', he sneered, moving away from the wizard and his cryptic personality. With an exasperated sigh, Thorin realized that he had once more endangered the quest with his hot headed temper; Gandalf's wise council was coveted by many in Arda, and he was fortunate that the wizard had agreed to lend his help on this adventure.

With a loud huff, he propped himself against the rock, letting his eyes slowly drift shut in frustration, only to open them several minutes later when he heard his nephews teasing their cousin. He shook his head, a small smile forming on his lips— Collie and his sister-sons got along quite well. But soon the conversation between them took a nosedive, and Thorin clenched his fists in anger at his nephews behavior: not only had they brought up the sensitive subjects of orcs, but they had also dragged an innocent Collie into the mess.

* * *

"Keep it a secret, Myrtle.', I heard the other beardless member of our company whisper none too quietly, followed by the tell-tale sound of a pony munching through some type of produce.

"Feed Itchy an apple too!', I called to the hobbit, making the poor fellow shift on his feet guiltily.

"Itchy?', Fili laughed. "What kind of name is that?"

"It was my first day of riding!', I pouted. "I just named her what I felt."

"But 'Itchy'?', he snickered.

"Well you named your's Daisy!"

"Do you honestly think I would name my pony such after such a femine thing? I am manlier than that, cousin! The hobbits we bought the ponies from are the ones who named her after a flower, and were she not so stubborn I would change her address in a heartbeat! But she will not answer to anything else!"

I laughed, opening my mouth to make another jab at the name when a loud noise echoed from several miles away.

"What was that?!', Bilbo spluttered as he scrambled closer to everyone else as the howling screech tore through the air.

"Orcs.', Kili whispered spookily, his dark brown eyes darting around.

"Orcs?', the hobbit yelped, making my uncle jump out of his reverie.

"Throat cutters', Fili elaborated, taking his pipe out from in-between his lips. "They'll be dozens of them out there. Lone-lands are crawling with them."

I rolled my eyes, immediately recognizing their tone— and why wouldn't I? Dan and Colby had used it on me more times than I could count, trying to scare me with their ridiculous ghost stories.

"They strike in the wee hours of the night while everyone is asleep... no one has ever had the chance to scream. They're quick and quiet... no noise, just lot's of blood.', Kili finished, his lips twitching as he and his brother chuckled lowly to themselves.

"Stop it!', I hissed.

Fili shot me an unimpressed look.

"A little bit of fear would do Mister Boggins some good, Collie. Or do you believe that orcs are something that should not be feared? They wouldn't be above having a bit of... shall we say fun, should they find a pretty lass like—"

Already knowing where this conversation was going, I turned a slight shade of green. I lived in a small town where the crime rate was abnormally low, but that did not mean I was ignorant of the things Fili was alluding to.

"ENOUGH!', Throin roared, leaping to his feet and stalking towards us. "So you think a night raid by orcs is funny? That the violation of innocent souls is something to be joked about?"

"We didn't mean anything by it.', Kili muttered sullenly, dropping his eyes.

"No, no you didn't.', seethed Thorin. "You know nothing of the world."

While I knew he was not speaking to me, his words still seemed to hit me hard. What did I truly know of Middle Earth? Nothing! I was as ignorant as... well, Bilbo! Even more, actually!

Upon seeing my tense expression Thorin's steely blue eyes softened. With a gruff— and slightly apologetic nod— in my direction, he turned and stomped away.

"Don't take it so hard, laddie.', Balin sighed as he stood slowly, his joints creaking in protest as he came to give Fili and Kili a pat on the shoulder. "Though I do agree that you took the last bit a wee too far.', he tacked on with a wink in my direction.

The elderly dwarf's eyes crinkled, studying my uncle as Thorin paced outside of the camp.

"Thorin has more cause than most to hate _orcs_." Balin spat the last word with so much disgust that even Dwalin looked at his brother slightly askance.

"After the dragon took the Lonely Mountain... the mighty King Thror tried to retake the ancient dwarf kingdom of Moria."

I listened quietly as Balin told the tragic tale. When he got to the part of King Thror's beheading, I could not help the shiver that ran down my spine. It was no wonder that my uncle held such blatant hate towards the foul race Balin had painted a picture of.

"Azog.', Balin growled. "Curse his vile name! The Gundabad orc, the most loathsome of his kind, was the one who committed such a heinous crime! He had sworn to wipe out the line of Durin... beginning with the beheading of Thror. Thrain, Thorin's father, was driven mad by grief. He disappeared without a trace— taken prisoner or killed, we did not know."

Balin's eyes were misty as they roved our faces, finally stopping at mine.

"It was thought that Frerin, too, had been cut down: indeed, I saw him fall with my own eyes, though it appears that by some miracle he did not pass into the world beyond." A smile curved his lips before he returned to the story, allowing his eyes to move from face to face again.

"Nonetheless, we were a broken people; a mighty clan of dwarves brought low. Death, defeat, and desolation were upon us. But in that moment... I saw him. A young dwarf prince— standing against such a terrible foe. Though he stood alone, with his armor rent and wielding nothing but an oaken branch for a shield, Azog learned that day that the line of Durin would not be easily broken. Our forces were rallied and we drove the orcs back into the halls they had desecrated. Our enemy had been defeated... but there was to be no feast, no celebration that night, for our dead were beyond the count of grief. In the aftermath of that terrible war, I saw him. Thorin...', Balin breathed. "And I thought to myself that there was still one... one whom I could call king."

The tears that had started to gather in Balin's eyes multiplied, his voice cracking slightly as he finished his story. The dwarves had all risen to their feet in awed respect for their leader, and I followed their example, still processing the information that I had been fed. Could the battle that had taken place before the gates of Moria be the 'sacrifices of my ancestors' that Gandalf had spoken of on our first meeting?

"But...', Blbo hesitated, cutting off my thoughts. "If Azog had sworn to wipe out Durin's folk... that means Collie!"

I jumped as the hobbit yelped beside me. Though we were still far from friends (though only because we did not know one another well) the small hobbit had been an amiable companion over the past few days.

"Aye.', Balin nodded solemnly. "As it also means Fili and Kili."

"But— but what happened to the pale orc? Surely he is still not out there!', Bilbo continued to protest, grabbing my hand in a sudden show of affection.

"NO!', Thorin snarled as he rounded about to stare at the halfling. "That filth slunk back into the hole from whence he came! He died of his wounds long ago!"

I shrunk back, still lost in the utter amazement of the great deeds my newly found family had accomplished.

"Get some sleep!', my uncle ordered. "We leave early tomorrow."

"Collie!', Gandalf called as I began to unpack my bedroll. "Take the first watch with Thorin!"

I gawked at the old man. The dwarves had refused my offer to take watch the other night, so why the heck was Gandalf telling me to do so when he obviously knew they were not going to allow it?

Much to my surprise, Thorin gave me a look that clearly called for me to obey the wizard. With a inaudible huff of confusion, I stood to my feet and followed the grumpy looking dwarf.

* * *

 **A/N: For the most part this will follow the movie, but I will not be including Tauriel in this fic. I know, how horrible of me, right? It just doesn't feel... right. Don't get me wrong, I love the red headed elf, but not when I am writing about her— too tricky. And I know some of you may have noticed that some of the scenes appear to be scrambled and do not follow the exact lines of the Hobbit trilogy. But no worries! It is completely intentional! I do not like to repeat line for line out of the movies. Writing would get boring really fast!**

 **And many thanks to...**

 **Me And Not You 1001 & ****Piper and Snippy**


	7. Chapter 7

**Many thanks to...**

 **Barrentine , lullabydono, The better twin, Piper and Snippy, Me And Not You 1001, wolfimus prime, Guest186, LilactheDryad, SleepiPanda**

* * *

"Have you ever stood watch before?"

I stared dumbly at Thorin for a moment before giving my head a good shake and replying.

"Uh... no?" I cringed at the squeak in my voice.

His only response was a gruff nod, then silence.

"You do not speak to many of the dwarves in the company.', he noted as he filled the bowl of his pipe, sending me a questioning glance. "Nor are you at ease with anyone. Not even Fili and Kili... not completely at least."

"What—" I shifted nervously. "—makes you think that?"

Something akin to a snort rumbled from his broad chest.

"I am not daft, girl."

"I have a name you know.', I scowled.

"As do I.', he challenged. "But you do not seem to remember it."

"I do too know your name!', I protested.

"Oh?', he asked, his lip curling in amusement. "Then why do you not make use of it?"

I pulled a face, hoping that the darkness would conceal my sour expression. His quiet chuckle only proved that the black of night was not a reliable ally.

"Do I _scare_ you, Collie?', he rumbled as he leaned forward from his position in front of a mossy oak. I bit my lip as I watched his eyes flash dangerously in the dark.

"Kinda...?', I admitted nervously.

"I thought so.', he said as he let his expression go blank again, leaning back against the tree.

 _That's it?! That's all he's going to say?_

"What is it that frightens you?"

"Huh?', I blinked.

"What do you find so frightening about me? About dwarves...?" Thorin quirked an eyebrow at me as he blew smoke into the air.

"You're new...', I answered thoughtfully. "And I don't know any of you."

"Does it not comfort you in the slightest that we are kin?"

"Not to offend you or anything, but I think that's the scariest part.', I said, trying not to fidget underneath his heavy gaze. "I mean, you carry a _bloody_ axe for heaven's sake!"

"Aye. But it is not bloody all of the time."

"Did you just crack a joke?', I gawked.

He chuckled.

"Oh my gosh you did!"

"Is that so unbelievable?', he said. "I am not a cold and heartless being— no matter what appearances suggest."

"Right.', I automatically agreed.

He chuckled again.

"You need not be skittish around us, Collie. Dwarves are a blunt folk, yes, but the line of Durin is an honorable people."

"What does that mean?', I inquired softly. "I keep hearing of 'Durin' and his 'folk' but I have no idea who he is..."

"Do you truly know so little of your own people?"

I ducked my head, kicking at the dirt as I frowned.

"I suppose it is only another thing we will have to teach you.', Thorin muttered.

"Really?', I blurted, jerking my head up to meet his eyes. "You would do that, Thorin?"

"So you do remember my name.', he smirked. "Though I would be honored if you would simply call me Uncle."

"Okay... Uncle."

Awkward silence ensued and I twiddled my thumbs for several moments as he puffed on his pipe.

"Durin.', he finally said, making me start as his deep timbre rolled through the night. "Was the first of the seven Dwarf Lords created by Mahal..."

* * *

"Collie!"

I snuggled further underneath the blankets, relishing their warmth, as I slowly realized that I had not fallen asleep under blankets last night... I didn't even remember falling asleep!

"COLLIE!"

I bolted awake with a snort, making Fili and Kili laugh.

"What?!', I moaned, fixing a grumpy glare in their direction.

"You fell asleep during your watch last night.', Fili informed me with a grin. "Thorin carried you back."

"Darn it guys! Is that all?', I grumbled as I rubbed my eyes.

"Such language for a lady.', Kili tutted playfully, giving my knotted blonde hair a tug. As his hands caught in the tangles he frowned thoughtfully.

"You know, Collie, your hair might be more manageable if it were braided."

"Then braid it yourself.', I mumbled sleepily.

"MAHAL NO!', he cried, drawing the attention of everyone in camp. A bright blush colored his cheeks as he stared at me in horror.

"What? What did I say?', I whined as Fili began to laugh at the other dwarves expressions, all of who looked as disturbed as Kili.

"Now, Kili.', Balin admonished. "You know Collie would not have asked had she known of our customs."

"What customs?', I asked slowly, a sinking feeling filling my lower stomach.

"Well...', Balin began, stroking his beard nervously.

"You er... 'proposed' to your cousin, lass. If a dwarf braids a woman's hair then it means that there is an understanding of... well... 'marriage' between them.', Bofur chuckled as he recovered from his initial shock, obviously enjoying the stricken look that came to haunt my eyes.

"Don't you dare get near me, Kili!', I howled, scrambling away from Kili and pulling the tangled locks behind my neck and out of sight.

"As if I would!', he shot back.

"You're both overreacting.', Fili grinned as he rolled his eyes.

His brother and I eyed each other distrustfully, only to be interrupted by Bilbo.

"How does a braid signify a proposal?', the hobbit inquired, wrinkling his nose as he tried to puzzle it out in his head.

"Dwarves—', Fili began to explain.

"Guard their culture closely.', Thorin finished with a scowl in Fili's direction. "We do not lightly share it with outsiders.', he added with a glower at the hobbit.

Bilbo nervously laughed as he bounced on the balls of his feet and twitched his nose. "Of course. I beg your pardon if I offended anyone."

I gave him a sympathetic look as he began to fidget under the deep scrutiny of the dwarves.

"We are wasting daylight', Thorin barked. "We must move on or we will never reach the mountain at this rate."

The dwarves hurried to obey, breaking camp and mounting their ponies.

I had eventually learned how to properly mount my pony, and although it took me longer to do so than the others, I still managed to accomplish it. I had even learned how to steer Itchy somewhat... though Fili would still snatch the reins when the occasion called for it. I climbed atop of the cream colored pony, smiling as my mind flashed back to the first day I had ridden in the company of dwarves.

* * *

"Hullo.', someone had greeted hesitantly, their voice sounding higher than the dwarves around me.

I turned in surprise to see that the hobbit had ridden up beside me.

"Hi.', I mumbled.

"May I ask you something?"

I nodded.

"Where's your beard?"

I choked back a laugh, trying to answer through the hysterical giggles that were threatening to bubble over.

"I don't... have one?" I could have winced at how high my voice had gotten.

"Are you not a dwarf?', Bilbo asked.

"Uh... no?', I grinned.

"But you called Fili and Kili 'cousins'...', he pressed, clearly wanting me to explain further.

"My grandfather was a dwarf... and he was their uncle.', I supplied.

"Oh. My grandfather was a hobbit.', Bilbo said lamely, trying to fill the uncomfortable silence. It seemed that at the moment we were the only ones speaking, and I noticed that several dwarves seemed to be observing us disdainfully from the corners of their eyes.

"Why are you on this adventure?', Bilbo questioned. "Are you a burglar too?"

"No.', I sighed. "I suppose the easiest way to explain things would be that... I met a wizard."

"That would explain many things.', he nodded sagely. "I believe we may have something in common besides being the only ones in the group without beards. Wizards are very persistent whenever they set their mind on something."

I laughed at Bilbo's humorous observation.

"Do all women ride like you?', he said as he shifted uncomfortably atop Myrtle.

"Ride how?"

"Astride.', Bilbo huffed, looking a bit ruffled.

"Is there another way to ride?', I frowned.

"I think most ladies ride sidesaddle, or so I have been told.', he mused. "And they normally wear dresses too, if you don't mind me saying so."

"Nah.', I shrugged. "I'm just... not used to the normal customs, I guess. I'm from a land that's far, far away from here."

The hobbit twitched his nose.

"I don't suppose—', he began before stopping and giving me a good look. "Have you ever seen an oliphant?', he finally blurted.

"A what?!"

"Well... you said you were from a strange land... I thought that maybe you had seen one before."

"No, I haven't. But I have seen elephants. Oh, and I've also seen lions and tigers and bears.', I smiled.

"Oh my.', Bilbo breathed faintly.

"Have you ever read the Wizard of Oz?', I exclaimed, surprised that he had had finished the well-known phrase.

"What's that?"

I explained the story, much to the dwarves amusement and much to Gandalf's chagrin.

"Preposterous!', the wizard growled. "What a ridiculous tale!"

"Agreed. Though a pair of magical ruby slippers would do wonders for me right now.', I grumbled.

"What about dwarves?', Kili inquired from my left. "Do you have any stories about them?"

"No!', I yelped.

"Nice try, squirt.', Kili winked, laughing as I scowled in his direction. "We all know you should have at least one story about dwarves."

"Ugh.', I moaned before beginning the beloved tale of Snow White, which I continued for several minutes before Bilbo interrupted me.

"You're telling the story wrong.', he grimaced. "You cannot keep calling them dwarf one, dwarf two, and so forth. They simply must have names!"

"No! No they do not!', I argued, miffed that he had brought that up.

"You do not want to tell us their names.', Kili noted with a smirk. "Surely the portrayals of our race cannot be so bad as that?"

I pressed my lips into a thin line.

"Come on, Collie!', Fili wheedled as the dwarves began to look genuinely interested: even Thorin was regarding me curiously from up ahead. "Tell us!"

"Doc, Sleepy, Sneezy, Happy, Bashful, Grumpy, and Dopey.', I rattled off quickly, hoping that they wouldn't catch the names and wincing when they did.

"What?!', Fili gawped, looking like someone had just kicked his puppy. "Why?!"

"It's just a story.', I grumbled.

"And how are the other races portrayed? The goblins, the dragons, and the elves?', Kili grouched. "Are they painted as something they are not?"

"Goblins are bad, dragons are usually bad, and elves are normally plain ugly... at least Dobby is.', I said, ticking the different species off on my fingers.

"Oh? Is that how you see elves?', Gandalf called over his shoulder.

"I guess.', I mumbled. "Most of them are old and short. Though that Legolas dude doesn't look so bad half of the time."

Gandalf snorted.

"And what did you think of the Woodland Prince?', he asked.

"It looked like he wore eyeliner in the trailers that I've seen.', I snickered. "But other than that he was kinda cute."

My uncle shot me an unimpressed look.

"Elves are not to be trusted.', he spat viciously before he face forward again.

"Taboo?', I guessed in a whisper.

"Bless you.', Bilbo said seriously. "Had I remembered my handkerchief I would offer it to you, but sadly I am ill-equipped."

"I said taboo, not achoo.', I muttered underneath my breath, rolling my eyes.

* * *

"Collie!', Thorin called, drawing me out of the memory. "You will ride alongside me today. Come along."

 _Doesn't he ever_ _say please?_

I glanced helplessly at Gandalf, who only gave me an encouraging look and nudged me in my uncle's direction.

"Why am I riding with him?', I whispered.

"It is my guess that he wishes to know you better. You are his only link to his brother— a brother who has long been thought dead. Go on, my dear."

"Collie, this is Dwalin. Dwalin, this is Collie, my great-niece.', Thorin introduced. "I suggest you get to know one another; we have a long day's ride ahead of us."

The bald— not to mention scary —dwarf gave me a grunt of acknowledgement as he fell into place behind the leader of our company, obviously not impressed with my presence.

 _What the heck is wrong with my uncle today? We barely spoke at all until last night, and now I'm his traveling buddy?_

"Nothing is *wrong* with me, Collie. I am merely concerned that you have not spoken with many of the dwarves in our company; you will not have the opportunity to meet them if you are always riding with Fili and Kili, therefore you will alternate between which dwarves you ride with."

I gawked at my uncle's back while Dwalin gave a poorly concealed snort of laughter.

* * *

I rode in uncomfortable silence behind Thorin and Dwalin for several hours before my uncle dropped behind a few paces to ride beside me.

"Would you like to learn some of our customs, Collie?"

I crinkled my nose in thought for a few seconds before I nodded.

"I believe it would be wise to start with braids then.', he chuckled. "It may prevent another... incident."

My cheeks became rosy as the mortification from earlier came back with a vengeance.

"Braids hold much importance in our culture and there are many, many types of them.', he began slowly. "They can signify whether you are male or female, your heritage, your trade, your status, whether or not you are married, engaged, or courting, and your skill in battle. Though it is not only the weave of the braids that hold significance: there are also many clasps and beads that decorate the plaits."

"Whoa.', I blinked. "So a braid can signify almost anything?!"

"Yes.', he chuckled. " _Almost_ anything."


	8. Chapter 8

**Many thanks to LilactheDryad, lucefatale, The better twin, Adoniss, Guest, Me And Not You 1001, Guest186.**

* * *

"Are you all right, dearie? You look uneasy." My companion was inquiring about my health for what seemed like the tenth time in the past five minutes.

 _Dang. Ori was right: Dori does have some serious mothering issues._

"Yeah, I'm fine. Something is just... missing."

"Missing?"

"I feel like... never mind. I don't think you'd understand anyways."

"Try me.', Dori challenged.

"I feel like I'm missing something.', I grumbled.

"Is it homesickness?', he guessed.

Thorin had placed me with the Ri brothers for today, and so far I had only had two incidents— which was a new record for me. Normally I was falling over things (or off things) and making social blunders, but I had only fallen off of Itchy once and not mentioned any taboos... yet. I still might have said some things that shocked the dwarves.

And as to the second incident... well, let's just say Nori and I aren't on the best terms. Sneaky dwarf tried to steal the two things I had from home other than my clothes. I caught him though, and he apologized rather sheepishly after a stern reprimand from Dori. I'm not sure I would have minded loosing a paper clip, but it was a matter of 'principle', according to Fili, anyway. In all honesty, I have no idea why I kept the tiny piece of metal; it's not like I'm MacGyver or something. But my phone... yep, I would definitely have missed that. The camera on my phone came in handy though— the picture of Dori holding his brother by the ear is totally Facebook worthy.

"No, that's not it.', I finally answered.

I grimaced slightly, gazing around as I tried to find exactly what it was that bothered me so much.

"Mountains. There are no mountains.', I realized.

"Of course not.', he scoffed. "There have not been any mountains for several days now."

"Not this again.', I muttered to myself.

"Not what again?"

"Twitchiness."

"Why on earth would you be getting 'twitchy' of all things?"

"No mountains.', I repeated, giving Dori the 'duh' look.

"Oh! That's what this is all about? It is natural to a dwarf to miss mountains, but I didn't think you had that trait."

"So... it's heredity, I guess?"

"Yes."

"Well that explains _soooo_ much."

Growing up in the top corner of North Alabama I had always been surrounded by the gently sloping mountains that bordered the Tennessee River. But here there were no mountains to speak of. The land stretched out as far as I could see on my left and right while behind me was the rolling hills of the Shire. In front of me laid nothing but several miles of empty plains and what looked to be the beginnings of a small forest. The feeling of missing something was solved; it was the mountains that I felt were missing. Without the comfort of the huge mounds surrounding me I felt empty... naked, almost. I always remember feeling like this on vacations; I just never would have guessed that it was a dwarf thing. Who knew right?

* * *

"—heaven help me if he's dead! God? Are you there? No? Um... Zeus? Aslan? Monopoly Man? JARVIS? Anyone!? I'm sending up a major S.O.S here!"

Okay, so maybe I lied. I made it through the day with _three_ incidents. And here I am in the aftermath of incident number three with an unconscious hobbit at my feet, being glared at by a mini lynch mob of dwarves while Gandalf is laughing his overly-thick eyebrows off.

Now I know what you're all thinking... okay, maybe not. Of all the crazy ideas that came into your mind at the confusing jumble above, I swear it's not what it looks like. I did NOT murder Bilbo Baggins. He just... snuck up on me is all. Lord have mercy, my life would have been simpler if I were related to a Skywalker instead of an exiled king!

I should really elaborate a bit, huh? Some of you... er, most of you, are probably thinking I've gone insane— which is a possibility, by the way. I suppose I need to start at the beginning...

* * *

"Collie!"

"On it already!', I called back to Thorin. We had made camp for the night and it had apparently become my sole duty to gather fuel for the campfire.

I was already on an extreme level of mega-twitchness, and that added to me sitting on a pony for six straight hours had given me a double dose of the jitters, which turned out to be unfortunate for a certain hobbit.

The group of trees that I entered to collect the fuel was close to the camp, but the meager distance that separated me from the others still made me nervous. As I gathered the firewood, I hummed quietly to myself in order to calm my harried nerves.

 **(Future Collie: I'm easily paranoid. Remember that when you want to kill me for being such an idiot.)**

 _"You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray."_

 _"You'll never know how very much I love you. You have been my sunshine today."_

Picking up an especially thick stick, I moved to return to camp when Bilbo Baggins suddenly appeared behind me.

"That was—"

I gave a loud yelp before my body decided to move on its own and my arm swung around with the stick still in my grasp.

 _ **Crack!**_

"—a beautiful song.', he managed to finish before he collapsed onto the leaf covered ground, the wood in my hand having had collided with his head.

"COLLIE!', I heard Thorin roar, followed by the sound of the dwarves crashing towards me.

"I'm toast.', I mumbled. "I am so dead. No, he's the one who is probably dead. Whatever gods exist here, please don't let this hobbit be dead! I don't know anything about Lord of the Rings or the Hobbit other than the fact that Legolas has a billion fangirls, but I do know that this hobbit is like the saving grace of Middle Earth or something so heaven help me if he's dead! God? Are you there? No? Um, Zeus? Aslan? Monopoly Man? JARVIS? Anyone!? I'm sending out a major S.O.S here!"

"What happened?', Oin asked as he went into healer mode, kneeling down beside Bilbo and gently touched the goose egg that was forming.

"It's not my fault!', I babbled. "It was the Curse of the Twitchies! ItwasjustthatImissthemountainsandI'msoparanoidIcan'tthinkandIkilledyou'reburglarandnowyou'regoingtokillmeandI'll—"

"Calm down!', Thorin shouted, giving me a small shake. "You have not _killed_ anyone, Collie."

"How did he even understand her?', Kili whispered to his brother, who rolled his eyes and slapped him in the back of the head.

"But I—"

"Wet cloth!', Oin snapped. "Someone get me a wet cloth!"

"But I hit him and—"

"And he is waking up.', Thorin smirked, spinning me around to look at the dazed hobbit.

"OhBilboIamsosorryInevermeantforthattohappen!', I gasped, falling down beside him.

"It's... it's quite alright.', he said a little woozily. "I think.', he added for good measure.

"Am I the only one who doesn't understand her?', Kili complained to the tree next to him, earning slaps from both Fili and Thorin.

* * *

"How on earth does a little thing like you have an arm like _that_?', Dwalin huffed, stirring his bowl of soup. "You could have dropped a bear with that swing."

"Softball." I grinned at the bald dwarf. I had learned over the past few days that Dwalin wasn't exactly one to give false praise, so his remark made me wonder how hard I had _actually_ hit Bilbo. "I'm one of the best batters, and also the pitcher in home-games."

"None of that made sense!', Kili called over his shoulder.

"Other world reference!', I smirked back. "Nothing you would know about!"

"Is a softball soft?" Fili wiggled his eyebrows at me, making me laugh.

"Uh, no. You get hit with one of those... you end up looking like Bilbo."

The hobbit, who was sporting a swollen forehead, sent me a half-hearted glare.

"I really am sorry about earlier.', I apologized again.

"I know.', he mumbled. "I will try not to compliment you again if it startles you so."

"Was I just insulted?', I asked Fili.

"Probably.', he shrugged. "Bilbo is almost always making fun of us: we just don't know it."

"Are you trying to make me paranoid?"

"Yes."


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Just a filler chapter, really. A few odd conversations here and there, just to get us to the trolls. Warning: it is a wee bit rushed. Next chapter will be better, promise! I'll fix any typos later.**

 **Many thanks to...**

 **Outofthisworldgal**

 **Jwhale**

 **IfYouRememberMe**

 **Guest186**

 **The better twin**

 **Me And Not You 1001**

 **Ceci**

 **Piper and Snippy**

* * *

"What I wouldn't give for some sweet tea right now.', I said wistfully as I stared at the land ahead.

"Tea sounds lovely.', Bilbo sighed from atop Myrtle. "A nice, warm cup of tea."

"You drink your tea warm?"

"You do not?"

"No. I drink it with ice... and lots of sugar.', I added as an afterthought.

"I've never heard of anyone who puts ice in their tea. Does it taste good?"

"It grows on you.', I grinned. "Sweet tea is almost a staple where I live. Everyone I know almost always has a gallon of tea in their fridge at all times."

"Fridge?"

"It's like a box that keeps things cold."

"Oh."

"If I ever get the chance, Bilbo, I'll make you some of the things I eat at home to try."

"Really?" He seemed to perk up a bit at the mention of food.

"It'll be a way for me to make up for what happened last night.', I nodded, watching as he gently prodded at the purple and blue bruise on his forehead. "Speaking of food, do you have peanuts in the Shire?"

"Peanuts?"

"Um... they grow in pods underneath the ground?"

"Ah..." Bilbo crinkled his nose as he tried to think of a plant that met that description. "Are you speaking of groundnuts?"

"I think that's another name for them, so... yes."

"Hm. I believe we do, but they are used for animal feed. Other than that there is really no use for them."

Well _that_ shut me up real quick. Peanuts had hundreds of uses and all they were used for here was animal feed?! What was wrong with those curly headed hobbits?

"Why do you wish to know?"

"My grandma taught me how to make a mean batch of peanut butter cookies. Though I doubt that would be possible here."

"Well if it _is_ possible, I would be honored to try them.', he beamed.

We grinned at one another for a few moments before Gloin, who I was _supposed_ to be riding beside for today, called for me to fall back. I rolled my eyes before following his instructions, glad that Thorin was too far ahead to scold me for dumping the ginger haired dwarf in favor of riding with Bilbo.

* * *

"Collie!', Thorin shouted from ahead, raising a hand to signal the group to a stop. "You will ride with me."

I peered ahead and decided that his command wasn't worth arguing over. The river we would have to ford was swollen far above what looked to be the normal water level from all of the rain that had fallen over the past few days. I carefully climbed off of Itchy and walked to the front of the group where Thorin was impatiently waiting to give me a leg up onto his own mount.

"Stay still.', he warned as he cautiously began to lead Minty through the swift moving waters. I shut my eyes tightly, trying not to whimper as the pony almost lost her footing on the slippery rocks that made up the river bed.

 _I did not travel across to a different world to drown in some river. If I die I swear my ghost will haunt Gandalf for bringing me here. Even if I am the one who opened the dang door._

"We are almost there, Collie. You can open your eyes."

A panicked shout from behind us rang out as Minty finally reached the opposite shore.

"Nope, I'll just keep them closed.', I squeaked, shrinking further into myself. He didn't answer. Instead, he hurriedly ordered me to stay put as he leapt off of the brown pony.

"I need to assist Fili and Kili.', he explained quietly. "One of the ponies has been swept downstream."

Fili and Kili reappeared with our uncle not long after that, the three of them looking wet and miserable as they led a newly unburdened pony back to the company.

"We lost the majority of our provisions to the current.', Thorin reported to the worried looking group. "We will need to find a way to restock them soon, or we will have to scavenge a bit."

Solemn nods and gloomy whispers met his statement as we slowly progressed away from the river.

* * *

"We will make camp here for tonight.', Thorin ordered. "Fili, Kili, watch the ponies— and be sure to stay with them! Oin, Gloin, get a fire going. Bombur, try to make do with what provisions we have left. It is not much, but there should be enough for one more meal."

He paused, studying me.

"Stay close.', he finally muttered. "We do not need a repeat of last night's incident."

I stilled the urge to roll my eyes. While, yes, he had brought the 'incident' up, he had also placed me with the dwarves who rode at the end of our company, therefore placing me far away from Fili and Kili's teasing grins and glib remarks, both of which would have been ten-times worse with what I had done to poor Bilbo last night.

I heard Gandalf argue with my uncle, though what it was about I didn't stick around to find out.

With a small groan, I buried my head in my knees and sighed. What on earth was I doing here? I mean, as far as I was concerned there had never been a teenage girl in the hobbit!

I stayed curled into a ball for goodness knows how long until the sound of Bilbo's protests made me lift my head.

"W-where are you going? Gandalf?!"

"To seek the company of the only one who has any sense around here."

"And who is that?"

"Myself, Master Baggins!"

"What?!', I squeaked, scrambling to my feet. "You're going to leave me by myself with a bunch of dwarves?!"

"I have had enough of dwarves!', the wizard growled as he strolled angrily out of the camp.

"Come on Bombur, we're hungry!', Thorin called through gritted teeth, sending me an unimpressed look. But then again, what else is new?

"Will he come back?', Bilbo asked nervously. It seemed that the hobbit didn't like the idea of being with the dwarves without Gandalf anymore than I did.

"He better.', I harrumphed, plopping back onto the ground.

* * *

"Not bad, Bombur. I've had stews that were worse.', Gloin said, complimenting the chef.

"Aye, Dori could have cooked it!', Nori sang out.

"Ha ha ha.', Dori grumbled good-naturedly. "You are hilarious."

"And you know it.', Nori winked.

I pulled my phone out and snapped a quick picture of Ori, who was dubiously poking at his stew like it was the school cafeteria's mystery meat. He blinked dazedly at me as the flash went off in his face.

"Aw!', I smirked. "Poor baby doesn't want to eat his veggies!"

"Baby?', he snorted, glaring at me in what I _hoped_ was a playful manner. "I am a few good decades older than you, thank you very much!"

All of the dwarves had been extremely curious about my cellphone, but they had quickly gotten used to me snapping pictures at extremely odd moments. They had been fascinated when I had explained how it could take 'portraits' and play music, but I tried not to do the latter very often— I wanted to save my battery for as long as I could.

I was almost at the bottom of my bowl when Kili and Fili burst through the underbrush that surrounded the camp, both of them panting heavily.

"Bilbo... Itchy... Minty... trolls!', Kili gasped out, resting his hands on his knees as he bent over to catch his breath.

"WHAT!', the dwarves cried as they all leapt to their feet.

"Three trolls.', Fili was able to explain far more clearly than his brother. "Not half a mile away. They have several of the ponies: Bilbo went to see if he could steal them back."

"Ready your weapons!', Thorin shouted, gathering his own axe into his hands. "We must be nearby if our burglar needs aid."

"Am I the only one who thinks this is a bad idea?', I huffed to the air. "I don't think these trolls are going to be all short, hairy, and yellow like the grumpy old troll who lives under the bridge in Dora the Explorer."

"Trolls are dangerous.', Thorin answered. Yikes. I hadn't been aware that he had been listening. "Which is why you will be staying here. Pack up what you can of the camp; we leave as soon as we return."

I will admit that I agreed with Thorin hurriedly on the matter. Why on earth would I want to face smelly trolls?

"Uncle?', I called softly as he made to leave the small clearing we had set camp up in.

"Yes, Collie?"

"You will come back, right?"

His steely blue eyes softened for a moment as he stared at me, but his silence on the matter made me realize that he couldn't make any promises.

"Be careful.', I finally said. The dwarves were new to me, but they were still the only people I really knew here, other than Gandalf and Bilbo.

"I will.', he replied gruffly.

"Good.', I breathed. "Because I really don't think—"

And then I was talking to the air again. Wonderful.

* * *

"Uncle!', Kili hissed. "Where is Collie?"

"She is back at the camp.', Thorin replied in a hushed tone. "Praise Mahal."

The exiled king wriggled uncomfortably in the rancid sack he had been shoved into. Many of the dwarves had been unceremoniously dumped into similar sacks, while others were stripped down to their underclothes and tied to a spit that sat above a roaring fire.

They were prisoners. But even worse, they were also a meal, if the trolls had their way of things.

"Oi! That's hot!', Bofur howled, blowing furiously on his mustache as it began to singe. He was one of the dwarves who was unfortunate enough to be roasting over the flames.

"It's a fire!', Dwalin snapped. "It's going to be hot!"

"Yes, I know! Stop stating the obvious and try to think of a way to get us out of this!"

"Well we can't reason with them. They're half-wits!"

"Half-wits? What does that make us?"

"Supper if we don't think of something fast!', Nori muttered in a clipped tone.

"Do you smell that?', the troll named Bert mumbled, sniffing the air.

"Smell what?', William, another troll, whined.

"Womenflesh."

Thorin froze as he listened to the dull creatures' conversation. Women folk were a troll's favorite, and he inwardly cringed at what that implied should they catch Collie. He would never admit it, but the girl was growing on him. Like a fungus, maybe, but still.

"All I smell is stinky nags and hairy dwarves.', the last of the ugly monsters, Tom, grumbled.

"Well I smell it!', William announced. "An' I'm going to see if I can catch it! She has to be close."

The rest of the dwarves seemed to clam up as they also caught wind of the conversation that was going on between the trolls.

"Uncle!', Fili whispered in a hoarse voice. "Please tell me they're not going to—" He choked on the last part of his inquiry, unable to get the words past the lump that rose in his throat.

"We cannot just—', Kili began.

"We can do nothing!', Thorin snarled. "We are as helpless as a mouse in a trap. Even more so, in fact."

Several minutes ticked by as William disappeared, an agony for Thorin's company and an anticipation for the trolls.

The dwarves heard Collie long before she appeared.

"Oh good lord. Not _this_. I AM GONNA KILL THAT DOGGONE WIZARD!"


End file.
